Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Me, myself and eye.

Well, the Washington Capitals went down the tubes after losing to the Montreal Canadiens in a 7th game showdown. I admit, pretty sad choke job but they did run into some spectacular goal-tending. Oh well, that's hockey for ya.....anything is possible!!!
Sucked to watch the Caps piss away a 3-1 series lead though.

I had last Friday off from work and thought it best to get cracking on the backyard. Namely, mowing the lawn for the 1st time this year and trimming the edges with a whacker afterwards. I also purchased a Steel Trellis Panel Gazebo that I really wanted to assemble so my wife, daughter and I could spent more time outside in the backyard and enjoy some shade in style.
That way we could eat more meals outside....courtesy of my BBQ!!

So, to begin I had to commence a poo-pick-up first because our dogs like to pinch daily loafs pretty much everywhere. It's insane!!
All I know is that going over a pooch-pile with the lawn mower is not always the smartest of idea's. I would go into to further detail, but identifying the subject matter and where I am "going to" in respect to a vivid recollection, I stop there as the blanks can be filled.

Anyways, I mowed the lawn and it was looking less like giant green patches of pubes and more like turf worthy of some football.
I forgot to put on my protective glasses for weed whacking and "something" came back and whacked me in my left eye at a very high speed. It stunned me but could have been worse. I shook it off and kept on going for another minute.

But wait, there's more.................

I then put together the Gazebo in the backyard and was installing the mosquito netting and the weirdest thing happened. I hung 40 plastic snap hooks to hold the netting up and when I was trying to snap this one hook together I noticed that the plastic molding in the "eye-hole" of the snap was a little extra and was preventing the hook from snapping properly. So, I just snapped it thru forcefully and since I was forcing it (facing me).....I shot that extra piece of molding directly into my eye.
Honestly, did I not see the eyepatch on my astrological symbol that day for my horoscope?

My wife (deservedly) gave me some heck the first time because I should been wearing protective glasses. The second event just left her shaking her head and thinking that I was a pure tard and that I should probably wear those
same glasses for making a sandwich, brushing my teeth,taking out the garbage...........I think you get the picture.

Also, while assembling the Gazebo, I drove my screwdriver into my left thumb for good measure. It's what we men do to christen projects of importance..then we savor the moment with blinding pain and F-bombs.
I don't know if my wife will endorse the name " OWFuckyousonofabitchOW!" for our new Sultan's tent...but hey, feels more personable with a name.

My point? Oh, that's right.
You know the phrase "all the blood, sweat and tears that went into this!".
Well, I gave that phrase a lasting endorsement with:
1.) The blood I left on the inside of the tarp cover (when the blood blister exploded on my thumb).
2.) The sunburn on the back of my neck and arms from the lawn maintenance and assembly of the Gazebo in the hot sun (without Sunblock & yes my wife was impressed about that too). Do I ever learn?
2.) My eye that continued to water soon after giving it a second beating because the first attempt at instant blindness (apparently) wasn't enough!

I am happy to report that I did manage to put together a 'big plastic play-station thing' (with a slide) for my daughter without sustaining any physical injuries.

There may still be hope for me yet!

Friday, April 23, 2010

The puck stops here!

To the point: We LOST!
McNorn finally pumped one in on the doorstep, but when you lose it don't mean jack! I am pissed, but moving on. I'm also at work running on fumes as we had a couple of "pops" after the game and I was up by 5:10 am.

We were up 2-0 after the first and when the final buzzer sounded it was 6-3. We ran outta gas mid 2nd period and the refs were (pardon my french) FUCKIN' BRUTAL.
I mean, a couple of games ago they put their whistles away and let the boys play. Although very chippy at times, the outcome belonged to us. Last night they had their whistles out and were blowin' more than George Michael in a public washroom after midnight. The refs made brutal calls all night and THEY decided the outcome with a couple of 'key' bullshit calls against us. I'm not kidding, they were horrible and at the worst possible times! Trust me....this is not sour grapes over the loss........it's 'how' the loss was constructed.

Whatever.........besides the final outcome, it was a good season. I wonder how many weeks it will take before I go thru hockey withdrawal????
Won't be long!

Think I sharted......too tired to check.

Thursday, April 22, 2010


Today is the day!!!
The final hockey game of the year for McNorn and the Boozehounds. We play for all the marbles tonight and if we lose, well, who knows when next (or if at all) we get a shot to be CHAMPS. The team we play are a bunch of meat-heads, so we will have to play hard and disciplined. That includes me not hammering anybody into the boards (again) if the refs have tucked away their whistles for the night. You blind, stupid and bitter? Hey.....you can be hockey ref too in our league! Going to go out and play my game and have fun.....and............WIN!!

The Caps have the Habs in a stranglehold going up 3-1 in their series heading back to Washington. Next game goes Friday and I fully expect Ovie and the gang to put the final nail in the coffin. His two goals last night in the 6-3 victory were vintage Ovechkin and NO I am not in love with him.

It's amazing how many people will glance at you nervously and then avoid eye contact with you when you look up from reading "American Psycho" on the GO train. It's a book.........not a 'handbook' people. Although I did like glancing up at this small Iranian dude sitting across from me with (ahem) 'cold dead eyes'. If he could have been beamed outta there by Scotty he would have.

That's right, I'm Patrick Bateman bitch!


Wednesday, April 21, 2010

I try not to laugh

But it seems like it's impossible...!!

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Never judge a book by it's crazy

My work can be interesting place to say the least. I should start by saying that most of the people that I work with are pretty damn cool. Sure, like all workplaces, there are a fair share of knobs too that are avoided as best as possible. Overall, I do my thing and don't have Hitler to report to so
there is no need to complain.

In addition, I also get to meet new and "unusual" people everyday. In fact, I have struck up some unexpected correspondence with a female client who attends our office on a regular basis. We had only spoke on two previous occasions but she felt compelled to leave a letter at my desk to read. I am happy that I am able to build such a rapport with the public.
Her letter read as follows:

To (*Me) *omitting real name

I was hoping to see what was going on in the meeting without being seen or identified but can't.
The Persons in the work room are moved into heavier conflict of interest.
1) These people could become instructed to stalk me in volume out on the street if they were shown a picture of me.
2) These people could pose as clients with the workers in conflict and cause something in the office to get rid of me.
....or. ?
I need to do some thinking...
I will talk to you on another day when I figure out safety measures.....


This just in: WTF?????
Sounds like somebody had a bowl of paranoia for breakfast with a side
order of 'can you tell that I'm crazy?'

She won't be the only one figuring out 'safety measures' today! LOL

Monday, April 19, 2010

The Boozehounds were victorious last Thursday (5-2) and this we play in the Championship final for the first time in approximately 10 years. Christ, can't believe it's been that long.
Too many first round "early choke-jobs exits" from the playoffs over the years. FINALLY, we got a shot at winning another title. I want to win so fucking bad I can taste it. McNorn is totally pumped and will skate his bag off every shift. I mean (afterall), another 10 years would make me 46 years old and McNorn would be more like "Mc-older-and-fatter". I'd rather win a title with some 'game' left in the tank instead of a somebody
noticing us win and say "How cute, look at those really old, shitty hockey players celebrating!"
My wife and daughter are coming to watch so I will make sure I don't trip over the blue-line or score on my own net.
Speaking of my daughter...........she "officially" was crawling for the first time yesterday and it was amazing. I was in pure dad mode taking pictures and video's of the whole thing. It will be a great keepsake.............so proud of my little Mouse. Time to accept the fact that she will be getting into E-V-E--R-Y-T-H-I-N-G soon enough!
Suppose I could get a leash? Might need some ice for my head if I suggest that one to the wife.
Truth be told; she is growing up way too fast!!
But hey, that's how it goes right??
She is my joy and I love her with all my heart.

The Capitals are tied at one a piece in their series with the Habs heading into game #3 tonight in Montreal. Should be a good one.
Ovechkin has regained his touch (absent from game #1) and will be a wrecking ball again tonight. Can't wait to see what his playoff beard look like by the time the cup final rolls around. He is pretty shaggy looking (in a connect the dots kind of way).

On the topic of beards, I think my wife might sleep with me again since mine has grown back. Truth be told, I don't shave much......as in never.
Generous stubble is my look (goatee, beard)....end of story. I have shaved only ONCE is the past five years that I have known my wife. I shaved last November and she pretty much cried out RAPE when I walked in the bedroom. She thought I looked "funny" and not like "me".
I can say (in retrospect) that I didn't disagree and was happy when the stubble came back. ANYWHO...........I trimmed my beard VERY short last week and it was more 'shadow' than anything else and again, the rape whistle almost came out.
After the initial shock of my trim, my wife then asked me if I took two showers because she thought she heard the shower turn on twice.
I started to laugh...........she was right on the money. I had placed a towel over the sink in the bathroom to catch all my stubble so a big mess
wouldn't ensue. Even did my armpit hair.........yes...........I like it shorter.
When I was done, I carefully folded over the towel to keep the trimmings secure until I brought them downstairs and outside to 'shake loose'.
This was a usual format for me.
Well, I took a shower and after exiting the tub I grabbed my towel and started drying myself off. I then paused for a second as I looked at my chest and wondered if 36 is the age of accelerated chest hair growth for men? Something didn't add up and I didn't "get-it" yet. I looked in the mirror and much to my surprise, it dawned on me that I had used the towel with the trimmings to dry off my wet body........ I was turning into a 'weird-wolf'. I laughed out-loud for a second then jumped back into the shower to rinse off my stupidity. Have to admit, it was pretty funny.
Don't think I want armpit hair stuck to my upper lip again.........look liked Charlie Chaplin's perverted brother.

Thursday, April 15, 2010


Despite appealing the BULLSHIT ruling, McNorn will not be suiting up for tonight's action. Suspended for one game and if we win tonight, I'll be returning to the Boozehounds line-up for the semi-finals. If we lose, then I will be pissed until the start of next season.
Elation or deflation..........we'll see.
One last time: BULLSHIT!!

Watched a bit of the NHL playoffs last night.
Man.........I LOVE this time of year.
The Capitals start their series with the Canadiens tonight and I have my Ovechkin jersey ready to go once I get home. My prediction is that the Caps wrap the series in 5. I also predict that if I don't hit the beer store beforehand that I might regret it. I will call my buddies on the Hounds to see how we did in the game. I cannot and will not go to a game that I am not playing in. Trust me, if you have "been that guy" before, you would know how much it sucks to be a reduced to a cheerleader who becomes in charge of "waterbottles and well wishes". For a gamer like me..........it's a slow killer.
Shifting gears now.....
I can't believe my daughter is turning 1 year old next month. Time goes by so fast it's scary. I'm enjoying every second with her and she makes me laugh.....she already has quite the sense of humor and does things that she knows will make me laugh.
My wife is such a great mother and I love watching them together.
I am almost positive now that the Purolator dude is not the real father.

To JIM (convener of the ASHL), who upheld the suspension........