Friday, April 23, 2010

The puck stops here!



To the point: We LOST!
McNorn finally pumped one in on the doorstep, but when you lose it don't mean jack! I am pissed, but moving on. I'm also at work running on fumes as we had a couple of "pops" after the game and I was up by 5:10 am.
Ugggggggggggghhhhh.

We were up 2-0 after the first and when the final buzzer sounded it was 6-3. We ran outta gas mid 2nd period and the refs were (pardon my french) FUCKIN' BRUTAL.
I mean, a couple of games ago they put their whistles away and let the boys play. Although very chippy at times, the outcome belonged to us. Last night they had their whistles out and were blowin' more than George Michael in a public washroom after midnight. The refs made brutal calls all night and THEY decided the outcome with a couple of 'key' bullshit calls against us. I'm not kidding, they were horrible and at the worst possible times! Trust me....this is not sour grapes over the loss........it's 'how' the loss was constructed.

Whatever.........besides the final outcome, it was a good season. I wonder how many weeks it will take before I go thru hockey withdrawal????
Won't be long!

Think I sharted......too tired to check.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Championship



Today is the day!!!
The final hockey game of the year for McNorn and the Boozehounds. We play for all the marbles tonight and if we lose, well, who knows when next (or if at all) we get a shot to be CHAMPS. The team we play are a bunch of meat-heads, so we will have to play hard and disciplined. That includes me not hammering anybody into the boards (again) if the refs have tucked away their whistles for the night. You blind, stupid and bitter? Hey.....you can be hockey ref too in our league! Going to go out and play my game and have fun.....and............WIN!!

The Caps have the Habs in a stranglehold going up 3-1 in their series heading back to Washington. Next game goes Friday and I fully expect Ovie and the gang to put the final nail in the coffin. His two goals last night in the 6-3 victory were vintage Ovechkin and NO I am not in love with him.

It's amazing how many people will glance at you nervously and then avoid eye contact with you when you look up from reading "American Psycho" on the GO train. It's a book.........not a 'handbook' people. Although I did like glancing up at this small Iranian dude sitting across from me with (ahem) 'cold dead eyes'. If he could have been beamed outta there by Scotty he would have.

That's right, I'm Patrick Bateman bitch!

GO HOUNDS GO!

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

I try not to laugh

But it seems like it's impossible...!!

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Never judge a book by it's crazy



My work can be interesting place to say the least. I should start by saying that most of the people that I work with are pretty damn cool. Sure, like all workplaces, there are a fair share of knobs too that are avoided as best as possible. Overall, I do my thing and don't have Hitler to report to so
there is no need to complain.

In addition, I also get to meet new and "unusual" people everyday. In fact, I have struck up some unexpected correspondence with a female client who attends our office on a regular basis. We had only spoke on two previous occasions but she felt compelled to leave a letter at my desk to read. I am happy that I am able to build such a rapport with the public.
Her letter read as follows:

To (*Me) *omitting real name

I was hoping to see what was going on in the meeting without being seen or identified but can't.
Possibilities:
The Persons in the work room are moved into heavier conflict of interest.
So:
1) These people could become instructed to stalk me in volume out on the street if they were shown a picture of me.
2) These people could pose as clients with the workers in conflict and cause something in the office to get rid of me.
....or. ?
I need to do some thinking...
I will talk to you on another day when I figure out safety measures.....

(end)

This just in: WTF?????
Sounds like somebody had a bowl of paranoia for breakfast with a side
order of 'can you tell that I'm crazy?'

She won't be the only one figuring out 'safety measures' today! LOL

Monday, April 19, 2010



The Boozehounds were victorious last Thursday (5-2) and this we play in the Championship final for the first time in approximately 10 years. Christ, can't believe it's been that long.
Too many first round "early choke-jobs exits" from the playoffs over the years. FINALLY, we got a shot at winning another title. I want to win so fucking bad I can taste it. McNorn is totally pumped and will skate his bag off every shift. I mean (afterall), another 10 years would make me 46 years old and McNorn would be more like "Mc-older-and-fatter". I'd rather win a title with some 'game' left in the tank instead of a somebody
noticing us win and say "How cute, look at those really old, shitty hockey players celebrating!"
My wife and daughter are coming to watch so I will make sure I don't trip over the blue-line or score on my own net.
Speaking of my daughter...........she "officially" was crawling for the first time yesterday and it was amazing. I was in pure dad mode taking pictures and video's of the whole thing. It will be a great keepsake.............so proud of my little Mouse. Time to accept the fact that she will be getting into E-V-E--R-Y-T-H-I-N-G soon enough!
Suppose I could get a leash? Might need some ice for my head if I suggest that one to the wife.
Truth be told; she is growing up way too fast!!
But hey, that's how it goes right??
She is my joy and I love her with all my heart.

The Capitals are tied at one a piece in their series with the Habs heading into game #3 tonight in Montreal. Should be a good one.
Ovechkin has regained his touch (absent from game #1) and will be a wrecking ball again tonight. Can't wait to see what his playoff beard look like by the time the cup final rolls around. He is pretty shaggy looking (in a connect the dots kind of way).

On the topic of beards, I think my wife might sleep with me again since mine has grown back. Truth be told, I don't shave much......as in never.
Generous stubble is my look (goatee, beard)....end of story. I have shaved only ONCE is the past five years that I have known my wife. I shaved last November and she pretty much cried out RAPE when I walked in the bedroom. She thought I looked "funny" and not like "me".
I can say (in retrospect) that I didn't disagree and was happy when the stubble came back. ANYWHO...........I trimmed my beard VERY short last week and it was more 'shadow' than anything else and again, the rape whistle almost came out.
After the initial shock of my trim, my wife then asked me if I took two showers because she thought she heard the shower turn on twice.
I started to laugh...........she was right on the money. I had placed a towel over the sink in the bathroom to catch all my stubble so a big mess
wouldn't ensue. Even did my armpit hair.........yes...........I like it shorter.
When I was done, I carefully folded over the towel to keep the trimmings secure until I brought them downstairs and outside to 'shake loose'.
This was a usual format for me.
Well, I took a shower and after exiting the tub I grabbed my towel and started drying myself off. I then paused for a second as I looked at my chest and wondered if 36 is the age of accelerated chest hair growth for men? Something didn't add up and I didn't "get-it" yet. I looked in the mirror and much to my surprise, it dawned on me that I had used the towel with the trimmings to dry off my wet body........ I was turning into a 'weird-wolf'. I laughed out-loud for a second then jumped back into the shower to rinse off my stupidity. Have to admit, it was pretty funny.
Don't think I want armpit hair stuck to my upper lip again.........look liked Charlie Chaplin's perverted brother.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Suspended


Despite appealing the BULLSHIT ruling, McNorn will not be suiting up for tonight's action. Suspended for one game and if we win tonight, I'll be returning to the Boozehounds line-up for the semi-finals. If we lose, then I will be pissed until the start of next season.
Elation or deflation..........we'll see.
One last time: BULLSHIT!!

Watched a bit of the NHL playoffs last night.
Man.........I LOVE this time of year.
The Capitals start their series with the Canadiens tonight and I have my Ovechkin jersey ready to go once I get home. My prediction is that the Caps wrap the series in 5. I also predict that if I don't hit the beer store beforehand that I might regret it. I will call my buddies on the Hounds to see how we did in the game. I cannot and will not go to a game that I am not playing in. Trust me, if you have "been that guy" before, you would know how much it sucks to be a reduced to a cheerleader who becomes in charge of "waterbottles and well wishes". For a gamer like me..........it's a slow killer.
Shifting gears now.....
I can't believe my daughter is turning 1 year old next month. Time goes by so fast it's scary. I'm enjoying every second with her and she makes me laugh.....she already has quite the sense of humor and does things that she knows will make me laugh.
My wife is such a great mother and I love watching them together.
I am almost positive now that the Purolator dude is not the real father.

To JIM (convener of the ASHL), who upheld the suspension........
THIS FINGER IS FOR YOU!!!

Tuesday, April 13, 2010



The Good, The Bad and the Ugly:

The Good:
-The Boozehounds won 5-3 against a team that played hard but "cheap" for 3 periods. McNorn was unable to bulge the twine, but did out-muscle the traffic in front of the net to help set up the first two goals of the game. Third round (this Thursday) he we come!!

-The Leafs put an enjoyable exclamation mark on their last goal of the season in overtime against the Habs. Thanks for the memories "Rosy Red Cheeks" Kaberle and enjoy your summer until you are traded in June.

-Alex Ovechkin scored 50 goals (again) and the Caps look poised to take a serious run at Lord Stanley's mug. Make no mistake, even though the Leafs are close to being a Special Olympics team.........they will always be my team. That being said..........the Caps are my "other" team and I want them to win it all.

-Matt Cooke got knocked the fuck out by rookie Evander Kane. I mean, he got dropped faster than a prom date with a chastity belt! He is pure cheap-shot artist and all round rat. Never fights the big boys but never has a problem fighting the lesser known smaller players when he isn't busy HIDING. I'm sure the image of him laying on the ice taking a "fist induced nap" made Marc Savard and the rest of the hockey world smile!! Hey Ratt Cooke, ever wonder who
Evander was named after.......think about it douche-bag!

The Bad:
- McNorn after being smeared along the boards while following the puck ("interference"), hooked across his stomach with authority ( ala Freddy Krueger...."hooking") and finally having my feet taken out from underneath me with the puck in the middle of the ice in front of the refs ("tripping") and there being ZERO penalties.....McNorn got EVEN!
With 2 minutes left in the game and the chippyness increasing, I chased down a puck to the side boards in our end with a teammate and opposing player. As I was arriving in 'coast mode' about a foot away from the enemy with the puck I said "Fuck It" and pasted him to the boards.
I arrived in ill humor and he paid the price.
Then I did..........I got the old "5 and a game" and was ejected.
Bullshit refs gave me a "body check major call".
Their interpretation was that it was also Boarding..........complete crap!!
Whatever, we won and the beer I brought was GOOD and ICE COLD!

The Ugly:
-Turns out they suspended me for the next game. I nailed the guy no doubt, but with little momentum at the boards. Since the wimp got up slow, they gave me a boarding penalty? I hit him on an angle and it wasn't from behind.But really, should I have expected those refs to get ANY call right? Stevie Wonder could have reffed a better game that night with his harmonica!!
I will appeal the suspension (in the ADULT SAFE HOCKEY LEAGUE) but the game time on Thursday is a deal breaker anyways...........I finish work 15 minutes after the puck will
have been already dropped.

We'll see what happens next.

Friday, April 9, 2010

Number two and don't forget the brew!




The Boozehounds are gearing up for their second playoff game of the year and it's a WIN and move on or LOSE and that's all she wrote for the season.The team we played last week (and tied) played the team we meet tonight and lost last night.
Jeezus. I had to re-read that one too for a second.

Game day notes:

1.) McNorn needs to score and know I can. I haven't been snake-bit like this for while but as long as the chances are there, so too will be the reward if I stick to my game. That would be a garbage goal or timely chip-in while paying "the price' in front of the net. I'm a self-professed "Power-Grinder"and ugly goals are pretty goals if they are the result of hard work. They ALL count and don't ask where they came from. Kinda like the ugly 'unknowingly adopted' kids looking
at their great looking parents and ignoring their hunches.
If I have to blow a dart in the neck of the opposing goalie I will.
It's the playoffs............just have my lawyer ready.

2.) Skate like Richard Simmons is behind you trying to give you a pant-less hug.That vision might actually make several of my teammates come to a complete stop (in hopes of sweating to his oldie). Speed is my game and a relentless forecheck that will force turn-overs and make things happen down-low is the puck presence I need.

3) I realize that the name of our league is the ASHL (Adult Safe Hockey League) and my wife loves to remind me of that fact. Regardless, it's the playoffs and everything is turned up a few notches once you qualify for the post season. She would also be the first to point out the fact that EVERY team makes the playoffs.McNorn ignores her and she dishes out a deserving "you're an idiot" head shake.
Safe?
Automatic playoffs?
Fuck me!
Sounds like a hug might break out in the corners.
If somebody refers to me as their Christian brother out there they might eat an elbow!

4.) I have been informed that is my turn to bring a case of beer for the team. This is as important as the winning goal. I shit you not. If you lose, the focus quickly shifts to "at least we have cold beer waiting for us" to take the sting outta a crappy game.Win and you sip from the nectar of the gods and it compliments all the "we are so great" talk around
the locker room. Buy a "cheap buck-a-beer" case and serve it without the chill of ice beforehand and you are a total dickwad.
Makes a loss feel that much worse and doesn't get you many passes from line-mates the next game. The same scenario 'with' ice is slightly better but makes you an official cheap bastard and the butt of all
jokes.

McNorn says.................
Treat your turn for bringing beer like it's your wedding anniversary:
1.) Don't forget or your dead.
2.) A cheap or lazy gift will be immediately (or eventually) detected and met with displeasure.
3.) A winning result counts the most (see 1&2) but feels better when you SCORE!

Lets go HOUNDS!!!!!


Thursday, April 8, 2010

One game left...


Ashes to Ashes
Dust to Dust
Another Season
Another Bust

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

For Those About To Golf....We Salute You!


The Leafs gathered at centre ice, raised their sticks and saluted the crowd after the game to say thanks to all the home fans for their support over the season. I am pretty sure that I saw some salutes going back the other way from some of the fans. With that 'middle' finger proudly raised high, I am certain "Leaf Nation" was gesturing that the players were still #1 in their hearts.
Or, pending scrutiny of my interpretation.........that the Leafs 'suck ass' and should duck for cover before they get hit by a projectile of opportunity.
1 down...............2 to go..............and Kaberle is probably putting his house up for sale as we speak!

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Ice Chips: Hounds and Leafs



McNorn didn't bury the biscuit last Thursday, but we did manage to skate to a 2-2 draw. The Boozehounds are still alive.
I had a helper on the first goal and the wheels felt alright for somebody who hadn't played in a couple weeks.
I was all pumped for overtime when I noticed both teams were getting ready to
shake hands for a game well played.
Turns out that there is NO overtime in this round-robin style playoffs.
WTF!!!!?????
I love the tension and excitement of playing in an extra sudden death period.
I felt cheated.
Anyways, our next game is Friday and they count total 'goals for' to determine who marches on and who complains they got hosed by the refs that cost them the game.
Translation: Play balls out for 3 periods and pepper the goalie without remorse.
There is no way in hell I wanna look back at our season and think of what could have been. We have a good squad and I know we can win.
Leafs have 3 games left before the season is over..............I will do my best to watch them. It's like saying goodbye to an old friend that you know has a terminal illness and you won't ever see them again.
In this case, it's the 2009/2010 Toronto Maple Leafs.
You just hope that reincarnation will be one hell of a joy ride and not another dismal sequel.

My name is McNorn and I AM a LEAF fan!
See you at AA! : )

MMMMMMMMMMeat!!


What an amazing Easter long-weekend that was. The weather was unbelievable and so was the amount of food I ate. All washed down with beer for good measure of course.
Honest to god, after coming home from my parents house on Sunday I felt like I could give birth. Either that or a visit from that torso-bursting Alien was on the way. Myself, I prefer the 'hat and cane dance number' Alien from Spaceballs.........because.......well.....let's be honest.....it had talent did it not?
I just remember the last words of my brother about a half hour after dinner: "Dude, did you try mom's cupcakes?" He gave me the "look" that meant if I didn't try it I was (in fact) a loser!
It was our Mom's baking and she churns out pure Picasso's from that oven of hers! I was already feeling 'Marlon Brando bloated' and knew I would be leaving with my belt in a bag anyways
so I ate 3!! They were sooooo good and the last one hit the coated pit of my stomach like a lead pipe!

The day before at my wife's Aunt & Uncles house we had a blast. A great afternoon of chillin' in their backyard with appetizers
followed by what can only be described as the 'mighty meat haul of April'.
If meat was marijuana that day then Yes....Yes I did inhale.
A steak the size of the large plate it was served on was placed in front of me.
It was smothered by (what looked like) brontosaurus ribs and was flanked by a baked potato the size of a NFL football and various delicious beans and greens.
I am not ashamed to say that even after finishing my meal that I was giving my wife's steak the vulture eyes.
I am a man of class though and gave her less than half of the portion of steak that she brought home with her steak and eggs the next day!
The greater helping went to the patience of the vulture.

Paying the ultimate price today, I am having a large salad for lunch.
Oh the humiliation of having chick peas as a topping over chicken or turkey!
Not for my sins, but because that was all that could be located in the fridge on a Tuesday morning that feels like a Monday.